Twenty-seven (27!!??) years ago, I made up my first pin number. I was in Spain, and I needed to be able to withdraw money from my bank account (funded by my parents) with my American Express card. I don’t know if this service still exists, but it was really useful–no fees, worked just like a debit card. Those were the days when AMEX was essentially a debit card anyway. You had to pay at the end of the month; using one to withdraw money was just another debit-card function.
The numbers I chose had something to do with an ex-boyfriend… they were the day of his birth and two other digits, which I think (guess!) were the age he turned that year. He wasn’t my boyfriend at the time of choosing the pin though. In fact, it’s a bit of an exaggeration to call him an ex-boyfriend at all. We only went out for maybe three weeks the first time I was in Spain, fall of 1988. I wouldn’t have sex with him, and another girl was willing, and that was that.
Three years later, he seemed so shallow to me I couldn’t drum up even a faint reflection of the desire I had originally felt, and yet…
I chose those numbers for a pin. And I did not change that card’s pin, ever. I stopped using it, because I only used that card to get money from my US bank account for that year. But until I cancelled that card a few years ago (only because I wanted the Delta awards option), it had that pin.
What’s more, I’ve kept using that pin for other things, even though I have not seen that particular ex-boyfriend–ok fine, his name is Oscar–since 1992. I don’t remember his birth month (just the day, thanks to the pin). After a while, I stopped using it for cards, for security reasons, but until this summer, it was my go-to pin for hotel safes.
Why did I stop using it as a hotel safe pin? Because {cue hysterical laughter} I fell in love again … well I don’t think “again” is the proper word here. I was never in love with the inspiration of years of pins. We all do funny things to our past via selective memory and even more selective recounting of past foibles. But I never was in love with this particular boy (lust maybe, yeah, definitely lust, but not love). In any case, this summer, I was about to key “his” combo into a hotel safe and I thought, “Wait a minute. The contents of this safe include possessions belonging to a man I love, actually love (vs. just want), love now (vs. 30 years ago). So why am I about to use a pin I derived from the vital information of a man whom I would probably fail to recognize on the street?
Yep, I did it again…
So I used a new pin, composed of my current boyfriend’s day of birth and the age he turned this year. Because if I had deviated too far from my pattern, I might have had to pay the hotel to open the safe.
Why I had not seen fit to change the pin over the years (years which have included many hotel safes, various boyfriends, and my ex-husband), I do not know. But if forced to speculate, I’d guess it has more to do with me and my life circumstances than with the men who inspired the pin selection and pin change. Not that they shouldn’t feel exceedingly proud of themselves for having managed to make such an impression on me that I used them as pin-keys–clearly, there was (is) something special about them. But! They are in no way similar, and my feelings for them have been in no way similar. What was similar is that I met both in a time of change.
Let’s call it change not passion.
I met Oscar when I was an exchange student doing a gap year in Palencia, Spain. I was 18, recently graduated from high school, immersed in a foreign language and culture, not yet sure where I would go to college the next year. Clearly, that was a time of change. Last year, nearly 30 years later, I met my current boyfriend. Well, I didn’t meet him last year, but I did send him a text, just over a year ago, that set us on the path of our current relationship. A year ago I was finishing my dissertation and applying to tenure-track positions and postdocs at the same time my oldest son was applying to college. Also clearly a time of change.
[The fact that my entire life has been one change after another just highlights the fact that when I call something a “time of change” it was truly a time of change.]
I have not made a habit of using men as password keys. In fact, those two pins–Oscar’s and my current boyfriend’s–were the only male-interest-based keys I had until this August, when I used facts about myself and my boyfriend to generate a Windows password (which turned out to be problematic, but more on that later).
What I have primarily used as password keys from the moment I started using passwords (after Oscar’s pin) are names of horses.
Horses are my true passion…
along with writing (the reason for most of my password generation before Internet banking and social networking). In fact, it’s entirely possible that sex wasn’t the only reason Oscar broke up with me all those years ago. I had also begun to ride Spanish horses at a stable near Palencia; Oscar came out to see me one day, and immediately became ridiculously jealous of a boy I rode with. He suggested I stop riding. If there is one thing I will never do for a man is give up horses. (My main blog is ALL ABOUT HORSES.)
The list I made in the aftermath of my divorce–the 150+ things it would take for me to consider dating someone–includes “I’m going to have horses. If you mind, this stops here.” Plus a lot of other stuff about horses and my other passion, music. (“If you listen to classical music, do you own recordings of “highlights of greatest works”? Answering ‘yes’ was grounds for breaking off the relationship)… And a lot of things that look silly now but made sense to me then.
Most of my passwords are based on horses…
All of them were for years, until I started running out of horses during a dry spell (that is, a time of little riding). They weren’t only horse names, that would be too easy to crack. They would be a horse’s name, along with something special I associated with that horse. For example, the first (and only) race I won riding in my stable colors was with a filly called Malena. I used her number the day of that race as a prefix, then her name (with some letter substitutions), and then the weight she was carrying. Yes, you could look all that up, but it wouldn’t be worth it, I don’t use that password anymore 😉
It’s telling that before I used my current boyfriend’s birth date and age as a pin, I used his horses’ names as passwords. (so yes, he’s passed the horse questions on the list. Well, more or less. I suppose that remains to be seen. Anyway, he’s passed the non-negotiable ones).
Horses are safer as password keys.
It’s probably better to use horse names–or whatever you’re passionate about, music, cars, wine–as passwords and not your significant other. At least, don’t use a combination of your SO and your Self as password or key. Not if you are at all contrary or reactant. In August Windows made me change my password, so–clever me–I made up one that was (is!) a combination of my boyfriend’s and my information (matched, of course). I’d never done this before, but I thought it was a good idea; my (our) recent decision that I was (we were) absolutely committed to our relationship would make the password easy to remember. If I forgot, I’d look at the date I’d set it and think, “What was most important to me at that time?” and I’d know.
Passion-based passwords can backfire…
The next day I woke up my computer and I typed in my old password, and when it was rejected, remembered (yay) the new one. Typed it in. And immediately felt… trapped. Committed. Destined. Bridges burnt, roads chosen, forks taken. Totally irrational panic (What if I’m wrong? What if he doesn’t feel this way? He certainly didn’t cybernetically marry us by virtue of cleverly combining our vital information. At least, I don’t think he’d do that…)
I wanted to change the password immediately, but I didn’t because I knew I was being irrational. After all, hadn’t I chosen this password precisely because I had chosen this man and this road? Why feel trapped when I chose, freely, not only the password, but every step that led up to it? When I wanted this boyfriend to be permanent? When the very idea of losing him throws me into a far worse panic? The same stubbornness that makes me cling to my freedom made me keep the password.
It took me about two weeks to get used to it, to stop feeling a bit panicky and claustrophobic every time I typed it. (And I log on to that computer 4-6 times a day on average). Now it’s just another password, and a lot more logical than a pin based on a boy I dated briefly thirty years ago. I’d like to say that sticking with it increased my commitment to my boyfriend–such beautiful symbolism and a recipe for love. “Make special passwords! It’ll bind you together for the rest of your lives!” But that would be a lie. I’m not sure I could be more committed than I already was. If I am, it’s due to other, far more meaningful circumstances.
Psychological reactance
Why did I feel this way? I speculate that it’s a special case of psychological reactance… probably because my latest thing to study is reactance. Psychological reactance refers to the resistance some people feel when they believe that their freedom is being threatened. Reactance occurs most often in response to efforts to change their opinion via persuasion. Think advertising, health advice–don’t smoke, eat more veggies, exercise more, etc.
I’ve been integrating reactance in my own research, which focuses on imagination, fiction, and morality. A few studies carried out last spring will test several theories. I’ve also got a lot of reading to do, because at the moment, I don’t know much about reactance. But! I believe I may have been experiencing self-initiated-password-induced-relationship-reactance.
Relationship reactance
Relationship reactance is a thing… And when I say “relationship” I mean parent-child, friends, coworkers, etc. as well as spouses and boy/girlfriends. If this were an academic paper, I’d give you a bunch of citations, but it isn’t. You can employ google if you want to know.
People don’t like to be controlled. My boyfriend is probably high in trait reactance, though I didn’t know the word for it until I stumbled upon reactance theory this fall. You’d think this would help me make wise decisions in our relationship, but my academic knowledge rarely benefits my non-academic self. I am not sure if general reactance translates to relationship reactance, though I suspect it does. I am not generally reactant. On the contrary. I suffer from the delusion that I am always completely free to choose and that no one can influence me without my knowledge and acquiescence. However I apparently can suffer from relationship reactance if I put that relationship into a password.
Take home:
Use your passions to create passwords, but don’t combine romance and passions with password and pin number creation, at least, not too tightly. It works–for me anyway–to use men as keys for passwords and pins, but combining my information and his had an interesting effect. In the future, I’ll stick with horses, dogs, and, if needed, music. Much safer.