From "Life is what you make of it" to "It is what it is"

How did we go from “Life is what you make it, make the best of it” to “It is what it is”?

This has been on my mind for the last few weeks. It’s not the first time I’ve thought of blogging about “It is what it is.” I have disliked that expression ever since I first “noticed” it while watching the Sopranos with my parents, two decades ago. Or maybe more, Season 1 of the Sopranos aired in 1999.

To be honest, “Life is what you make it, make the best of it” has also been known to irritate me at times. I can still hear Garrison Keillor quoting his mother on Lake Wobegon, and that reminds me of many long and tortuous road trips with my family. But no one has ever said it to me. In fact, I have rarely heard it said outside of fiction or on those little kitsch signs you find in bathrooms or kitchens.

Both idioms are just another way of saying “Stop complaining”

But Life is what you make of it, make the best of it means “Stop complaining and do something about it” whereas It is what it is means “Stop complaining because there’s nothing that can be done about it.”

When I hear people say It is what it is, they are doing one of more of the following:

Trying to avoid talking about a something difficult
Or trying to avoid thinking about something difficult
Or trying to avoid doing something difficult
Sometimes trying to avoid responsibility for having done something
Or trying to avoid responsibility for having to do something in the future; which is often
Trying to avoid the work involved in fixing a mess they’ve made; and
Trying to avoid the possibility of failure.

In defence of It is what it is…

Sometimes people probably have good intentions when they say it. They want to say, “Don’t worry any more.” Or possibly, “Accept the things you cannot change.” Move on. It does no good to be stressed about something you can do nothing about.

And yes, the serenity prayer is one of my favorites. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. But it goes on to say courage to change the things I can. Of course the clincher is the wisdom to know the difference.

This Psychology Today piece suggests it could mean acceptance of ambiguity and complexity. Although the author does concede it can also mean acceptance of limitations, that’s not the point of the column.

Certainly acceptance of ambiguity and complexity is a good thing. Trouble is, I have never read that in “it is what it is.” I have never heard or seen it used that way.

Mostly, it means oh well, can‘t do anything about it.

Basically, it signifies acceptance of an imperfect status quo. It admits defeat. It means there’s no point in trying to make things better.

It’s the opposite of Life is what you make of it. Make the best of it.

That’s why I hate it. Total defeatism.

It’s usage has become more and more common

And not just in the news and by my family and friends. A google ngram search shows that use of it is what it is in books has skyrocketed since the turn of the century.

Contrast the graph above with the one below, from the NGram seach for make the best of it. (NGram doesn’t allow you to search more than five words.)

Of course, to really compare, you have to look at the numbers:

The good news is that Make the best of it is also increasing and is still used more frequently. Total for “It is” in 2019: 0.0000295898. Total for “Make the best” in 2019: 0.0000422921. This is lower than its high point of 0.0000443546 in 1864, but a lot higher than 40 years ago, when it was 0.0000092666.

The bad news is that the increase for “Make the best” from 1979 to 2019 (4.56 fold) is much less than that for “It is”. “It is” saw an increase of nearly 16 fold (15.64) from 1979 (0.0000018921) to 2019.

So what?

Is this just a personal pet peeve? Is it just me to whom it is said primarily when someone is giving up on someone else, directly or indirectly?

Examples: close relationships

I believe the most frequent examples from my life would be people giving up on relationships or describing others giving up on relationships. Most of these relationships are family: estranged siblings, parents, or children. These beat out romantic relationships by a long shot. This is probably because we have more family members to give up on. And you can always find another lover, but madre solo hay una, as the Spanish say… and only one father too. By the time people are giving up on their children, they’re probably too old to have more (or too wise). And you cannot ask your parents to make you more siblings. Not once you are in the age of estrangement.

The runners up have been exhausted parents giving up. Not giving up on their children, but giving up on parenting. Note that this is not the same as giving up on estranged children. People often give up on parenting precisely because they are afraid of damaging the relationship. Ironically, refusing to parent is far more damaging to children than the perfectly normal strained relationship between teens and parents. And I would bet that children of parents who don’t want to take the responsibility of saying no are much more likely to become estranged when they reach adulthood.

After close relationships, the most frequent examples in my experience come up with politics and social justice. People don’t want to talk about either because they feel that it does no good. To be honest, I feel that way too sometimes. When people take everything personally and/or refuse to listen to (and hear) opposing viewpoints, trying to have an informative discussion with them is pointless. Hence the propensity to sigh and state (or think) “It is what it is.”

But when all parties are committed to understanding the other point of view, even if they all know that no one is going to change their mind, everyone can learn something. (Perhaps especially if they all know no one is going to change their mind!) Some of the best political discussions I’ve had recently have been with my friends Melissa and Keith, who sit squarely on the opposite political side from me.

There is so much to be gained from reaching across the aisle and trying to take the perspective of the political outgroup. Not just listening long enough to snap a rebuttal, but seeking to truly understand where they are coming from. Giving up–accepting the status quo and assuming you cannot change it–just leads to further polarization.

Social justice is an interesting case

I’ve heard the argument that “It is what it is” suggests accepting differences and being tolerant. As in, my son’s having a sex change. Or I guess I should say my daughter. I may not love it, because he’s–she’s–gonna face a lot more trouble as a transgender, but it is what it is.”

Used in that way, it’s a good thing. It means acceptance. But what about “More and more abortion clinics are closing. Women should be able to get an abortion in some curcumstances, but the way the religious right is nowadays… IIWII. They can always come to California.”

Or “A large proportion of the homeless population is mentally ill, ex-military, or both. But we just don’t have the resources to help them. I’d love to, but… IIWII.”

Slavery was what it was too. Segregation. (Small pox. Cholera. Death resulting from an infected wound. Leprosy. Syphilis.) For most of human history it was the case that women could not vote.

Example: self-improvement

Sometimes I even hear it when people are lamenting their position, state of mind, or physical health. As in, I’m unhappy in my current job, but with the labor market what it is these days… IIWII. (That’s another example, workplace dissatisfaction, or organizational justice, as one of my consulting clients would say.)

Or, “I’ve really got to do something about my weight. But when I’m anxious, I just can’t stop eating (or get anything down), and with the pandemic… well, IIWII.”

Or, “I haven’t really been in shape since high school. I know I should start working out or even just going for a walk every day, but what with work and the kids… No point in even going there.” (It is what it is…)

Or, “I’ve been unhappy for years now. But most therapists are predatory, and everyone says meds don’t work for long. I’m used to it, it’s just the way I am.” (Yep, another way of saying the same thing.)

There’s only one person one has any true power to change in this life, and that is oneself.

It’s ironic that my most popular blog post here is Why do successful people commit suicide?

And there are some things you can do nothing about.

Some things that are best accepted with serenity (the death of loved ones), embraced if possible (your transgender offspring).

But do we really want to stop trying more often than not? Shouldn’t we first try to make the best of it? And then, if we fail, try again, maybe not exactly the same way, or even the same thing, but try a new thing. Step to the side, slip sideways, take a new perspective, and make the best of it. Remember the most important part of making the best of it is choosing how to respond emotionally to a situation. That’s the first step to responding cognitively.

Don’t just accept a status quo you can say nothing better about than “It is what it is.”

So if increased usage reflects a societal trend in decreasing self-efficacy and increasing nihilism…

should we make the best of it? Try to change it? Or accept that we’re all gonna die. After all, climate change, ultimately, is what it is, and that’s many ends of days.

But I’ll end with one of the more encouraging trends I’ve seen. Younger generations, although more likely than older ones to acknowledge the inevitability of climate change, are also more likely to believe it won’t mean the end of humankind. They believe we’ll find ways to deal with it. And when I tell my son, but the ways we’ll find to deal with it will surely mean the end of humankind as we know it, he says, so what? Different doesn’t mean worse.